November 4, 2013

I like to write – I don’t think I’m particularly good at it but it’s a good way for me to express my feelings and I have a lot of those!  I decided to start this blog for my own benefit but hopefully you might find something to relate to.

It’s 12:30 in the morning and if I were a responsible adult I’d be sound asleep, but a few things keep that from happening.  First, I suffer from chronic insomnia. Secondly, I hurt. Both physically and emotionally.  I’m no different than any other woman out there trying to do it all but it’s all relative right?

I have physical ailments that keep me from getting comfortable.  I have a teenage son that I manage to love with all my heart while at the same time I want to duct tape in his room so I can have a quite moment with no worry.

I often find myself yearning, longing, begging for a day with no drama.  I am an optimist so I know that it must be possible; but, I have yet to find the secret to making it happen.  I think if I sleep all day, don’t answer the phone, don’t get on the computer, turn on the tv or talk to anyone that I may have just one day like that.  The realist in me however laughs loudly at that thought.

Just a little background.  I’m a 46 single mother of three boys.  Two are grown (but I still worry about them) and a 15 year old that resides upstairs. He does manage to venture downstairs when needing the bathroom, food or money.  That is a completely different story I may get into later.

I have a battle between the adult person I know I should be and the lazy person that is simply tired.  I wonder if religion will help but I don’t know if I have room in my head for that.  I struggle with my youngest son’s father to get child support that I will probably never get, working to pay the bills but wanting to shop to fill the void and have nice things and taking care of myself.

Tomorrow is Monday- again – so perhaps a new diet will start.  I don’t much like my physical self and having gained way too much weight in the last couple of years. I dread getting dressed in the morning.

I have been married more times than probably normal and certainly necessary and I wonder if I can just void out the last one like it never happened?  Probably not but it sounds like a good idea. I think I’ve used up my “get married” coupons.

For the first time in my life I don’t feel the need to have a man in my life but I have to be honest and admit that I miss having someone to talk to about the good things, the bad things, the mundane things.  Truth be told, I’m embarrassed by my weight gain and I have no need for rejection.  I think that might be the thing that would put me over the edge.

Despite all of the struggles I have had to face I am still an eternal optimist and tomorrow is a new day.  My problem is that I keep saying that and never act on it.

This “blog” is a little all over the place but I tend to jump from one thought to another.  Maybe putting this all down in writing will help me acknowledge some of my “issues” and deal with them.  Like I said, I’m a work in progress.

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