January 7, 2017

I don’t go out anymore.  I’m home tonight, a Saturday, and while I should at least be doing homework or cleaning, here I am playing games on the computer and watching country music videos.

I only picked the first song, Keith Urban’s Blue Ain’t Your Color, because it was the first one I saw, and the rest of the songs just followed.  Some were easy to get through, but others just plain hurt my heart.  You know that feeling, actual pain in your heart.

I miss dancing, I really miss the spark when you meet someone that smiles at you like you’re the only person in the room. I miss ending the night with a smile.

Now, I’ve been married and divorced three times. Certainly, not what I had originally thought my life would be like.  But, hey, it happened. And now I’m 49 and alone.  I spend a LOT of time by myself. Especially since my surgeries and being laid off work.  It’s been a very depressing year to say the least.

Because of all the shit that happened and the depression, I ate.  I ate a lot and then I ate some more.  I’m very aware that I’m fat, although my friends and family are very diplomatic when they say that I’m not.  It’s sweet and I appreciate the sentiment and intention but let’s be real here.  I know it’s true.

Maybe I don’t “look” fat to others, but I’m the one that hates getting dressed every day.  I mean I hate it.  I avoid mirrors.  I wear the same thing mostly because I know it will fit.  I’m the one that physically hurts when I get dressed or put on my shoes.

I like my personality, even though I’m a work in progress.  I love to laugh and I love to smile and be happy.  I try every day to be happy about something, but some days that just ain’t happening.

I know all the answers; eat less, exercise more.  Go to counseling, you don’t need counseling, take this, don’t take that.  It’s overwhelming sometimes.  A lot of times I try to just disappear.  I love when my people are happy and living their lives.  When they are happy I’m happy.  But to be honest, I’m envious.  I’m jealous.  I want those things too.  I think people see it as get up and do something, I see it as anxiety to even think about it at this point.

This is the cycle:  Want to meet someone, see people, go out, but I’ve gained so much weight that I won’t do it.  I don’t need more rejection and heartache. So, I stay home and then people get frustrated so no one asks anymore (can’t blame them).  It’s easier to just stay home and then I get so sad that I go to bed.

I miss the person I used to be.  I don’t quite know where she went.  I know she’s out there, or inside of me somewhere.  I am hopeful that someday she’ll come back.

In the meantime, I’ll take one day at a time.  Doing things by myself and for myself. Through it all I’ve never given up hope.

For now, my eyes are leaking and Blue Is My Color….

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