January 14, 2016

So yesterday was Friday the 13th.  Usually that means bad luck but not for me.  I finally got a job!  This is huge because I’ve officially been out of work for just over a year – longer if you count the time before my layoff due to being out for back surgery.  It’s been a long hard, lesson driven year for me.  But finally it appears that something has gone right.

So I got the news (still waiting for more details) on the job and I was at the same time, excited and nervous.  I have been out of a job for the longest time ever in my adult life. Except for choosing to stay home with my little humans.

I’m feeling some relief from financial pressures and it’s definitely time to get back out there.  But what if they change their mind?  What if I’ve forgotten how to be in public?  I’ve been pretty much a home body for a year.

But I digress.  I was so excited that this finally happened.  However the excitement was short lived.  I wanted to share this fantastic news with those closest to me but I didn’t feel like it went over at all like the big news I thought it was.  Also, I fell three days ago and badly bruised my ribs and breast.  So I’m on pain meds and laying low on bed rest with the remote, my phone for entertainment and an ice pack.

I wanted to celebrate this accomplishment like most people would but that wasn’t going to happen.  For one thing, I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with and if I was going to do it by myself, I might as well just stay home. So that’s what I did.  And besides, hard to go out and celebrate when you’re in so much pain that it hurts to walk, much less put a bra on.  PJs it is.

I have to take a minute though and feel some sympathy for myself that no one wanted to celebrate this with me.  I didn’t ask anyone to so that’s on me, but sometimes it’s a nice feeling to have people around me want to share my good news.  It’s another lesson though, do things for yourself and by yourself so you aren’t disappointed.  People are busy and have their own lives going on so it’s on me.

I’ve learned lately – the hard way – that sometimes you are just on your own.  I’m sure people are happy for me but I was secretly hoping someone I know would say we need to celebrate!  I learned on my last birthday that it’s up to me.  I spent the day completely alone with about five texts saying happy birthday.  It didn’t help my mood that not one person in this entire world wanted to do something with me.  I told a few how I felt but I think that was more for my benefit than others.

So I’ve decided that when I heal from this injury and get back to starting over, I’ll celebrate me.  I’ll take myself out to celebrate me and my accomplishments.  And on the plus side I get to celebrate in the way I want.

This year for my 50th birthday I will be gone.  I believe my birthday falls on a Sunday so hopefully I can take myself to the beach for longs walks along the crashing waves and read by a fireplace.  I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to do something for me, to plan something because this last birthday was a miserable day of crying and sleeping as much as possible to avoid being awake and aware. I don’t think that would come from a place of sincerity.

I’m the best person in the world to celebrate myself and that’s what I’ll be doing. I’m going to limit my texting and sharing.  I think it’s considered whining to others and ain’t no one got time for that.

Soon my youngest will be gone more and more and it’s just me and the cat!  I refuse to turn into an old single cat lady but it could go either way at this point.  Hopefully working again will get me out into the real world a bit more and I’ll start to feel human again.

Back to my injury, when my pain from my fall didn’t get any better after two days I drove myself to the emergency room and sat there by myself til I was released and drove myself home in pain.  My youngest picked up the rest of my prescription and came home to make me breakfast.  Last night I got really sick from my pain meds and promptly threw up.  Then my breathing became more painful and it was difficult to breathe.  Had to get those deep breaths in.  I called the ER nurse who said I needed to call 911 because of my difficulty breathing and my shortness of breath – not to mention I was feeling a little panicked.  It dawned on me then that I was supremely alone and had no one to call.  My 18 year old son was at his dads and I knew he would be up so I texted him.  I felt the need to let someone know what was happening, especially if I had to go back to the ER.

My intentions were not to put a burden on him, but it occurred to me that I could be admitted to the hospital and no one would ever know unless I told them.  No one has checked on me today except my son and my mom and a most unlikely friend who took the time to just come out and check on me.

Being independent can be a great thing but it’s a lonely way to live life.

So onward and upward.  This year I will take little road trips, go to the movies, explore the area, have a nice meal with my own company and start living my life on my terms. Enjoy a glass of wine while I read a good book.  I need to get back to my long lost voracious reading.

As for now, I’m heading back to my electric blanket and ice pack and hope that my medicine starts really working and I feel some relief.  I’m too busy for these things to happen.  I do realize now though that most people in my circle think I’m exaggerating and I need to suck it up.  So that’s my motivation for just not sharing anymore.  Less expectations, less letdowns to deal with.

So cheers to me!  For getting a job, for my constant effort to become a more enlightened and caring person and for taking care of my needs first.  I’ll always be there for others, I just won’t expect the same in return.  Can’t be disappointed that way.  Tonight I celebrate with a bottle of water and when I’m off my meds I’m going to advance to a nice glass of wine.  No reason for all that wine to sit there and collect dust.

I’m worth celebrating and that’s exactly what I intend to do!



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